04 July 2009


I am a horrible mother. I am mean and unfair and I lose my temper. I am not going to excuse myself for today. I can only hope that this, finally, is rock bottom and I can really stop now.
I am angry. I have this bottomless, limitless well of rage. Most of the time, I keep it repressed or turn it onto myself. I hate myself; I tell myself that no one likes me, that I am not worthy of anyone's love. I keep the rage in and beat myself with it until finally it is provoked by the one person whose fault it is not, and it all comes rushing out to dump radioactive vitriol upon her. She doesn't deserve this. I am setting her up to be a battered wife someday and I hate that. Now I have this cycle where I hate myself, and then use that hatred in the wrong way, and then feel worse about myself. Why am I so angry?
I feel like I am helpless. I can't do anything right. Most of the things I try to do come out wrong or not good enough, at least according to my husband. I don't do things the way he does. I forget things because I'm so worried I'll forget something else. I get all flummoxed and out of order. So, he's in charge. All I do is the housework and the grocery shopping. I don't even do his laundry because I dry things wrong and I hate to iron because I'm no good at it. So...basically I'm a child who cooks for him.
I feel like no one respects me. My husband, see above, doesn't seem to like me. My daughter, like any normal child, doesn't always listen to me and has lately decided to try the bullshit that her little friends get away with, by acting snotty and adolescent. People I meet, in general, have nothing to say to me after they find out that I'm a housewife.
I started writing a book partly in the hopes of getting some respect. I like to say that I'm writing it "for me" or "because I have a story to tell", but that's bullshit. I'm an attention whore and I need accolades. People used to like my book. Lately, not so much. Writing it isn't as fun as it used to be.

I would like to stop being angry, or to be able to express my anger appropriately so as to not ruin my daughter's life further. Can I Google that? Maybe I'll just drink more...