Is that why we keep doing repetitive, possibly harmful behaviors? Ones that might just fuck over everything we've worked for and attempted to acheive? Ugh. I was just about to write a whole whiny blog about how nothing bad ever happens to me, so why am I such a whiny fucking baby when--WHAM! The big bad ghost of things past reared up and bitch slapped me today. And made me realize that yes, yes indeed I DO have a great life, a life I am and should damn well be grateful for and at any moment it could all just....float away...on a wave of beer and stress and low self-esteem.
Not my own. The person on whom I depend for all my rose-colored daily existence. I bitch about him, I take him for granted, I count on him to be the one that is strong and trustworthy and solid and not flaky. And then I am painfully reminded that he's human, that he's not living the life he wanted, that he needs someone to take care of him.
I think I dropped the ball. I'm trying to unknot my stomach enough to make the decision as to whether I should pick it up. I swore I wouldn't this time. But I don't think I really thought that 'this time' would actually happen. But it did. I think I have to pick it up though. Not just because I'm in no position, realistically or financially, not to; but because he needs me to pick it up. Because it's been almost eight years since this was something I needed to worry about and I think over those years I haven't been helping him enough. Not that I think that this is my fault, but I think it might be a little my fault. I don't think I'm helping, anyway.
What happened today was his choice, I get that. And he's sorry and won't do it again. And I heard that same thing over and over for a long time. And then it was all better. And now it isn't. I don't know what to do.
God's Waiting Room
1 year ago
You should always be willing to pick up the ball. When there is a fumble the entire other team is after it also. Don't think for a moment there isn't another team and the two of you (3 = +G) are playing for real. And for keeps. Every couple has the opposition team they play against.
ReplyDeleteIf you just stand there watching, you will lose. Lose him. Lose your rose colored existence. Lose everything you've achieved.
Every problem in a marriage is the responsibility of both the husband and the wife. As soon as one washes their hands of the 'responsibility' for a problem and the blame, they lose. My ex took 0 (zero) responsibility for our problems. Notice she is my ex. Never is one party 100% the problem or wholely accountable for the problems in a marriage.
Blessing for your family, my friend.
Here's the thing. If you pick up the ball, one of two things will happen - you'll score or you'll get knocked over by the big, bad ugly.
ReplyDeleteIf you score, you're the hero. You can celebrate and no that you did your part to help your team, even if you feel you're always the one who does the scoring.
If you get knocked over, you will either retain the ball, protecting it with all you have and the big, bad ugly goes away when the whistle blows so you can breathe again - OR you loose control of the ball and potentially give away the game.
The question is - do you want to win the game? Or did you bet on the other team?
That's not helpful, but no one can tell you the answer to what you're looking for. Well, except maybe Dr. Phil. And even thing, all he's really going to ask you is, "How's that working for you?"
:) Much love Nessa.